Sunday, February 29, 2004
Icy Burg and Icebergs
It's still not stopped snowing. I don't think I've ever seen a week where it's snowed so frequently and lasted on the ground for so long (except obviously when I've been skiing - there was weather one day in Killington I never want to have to live through again!). Especially with how warm the sun is. It seems to be snowing in the day and then freezing at night, which means it's only a matter of time till I make an unscheduled trip to the ground.
It's always seemed odd to me how I have the ability to bury emotions of the past so well I don't even register them for months and years on end, then they'll suddenly come bubbling up to the surface as strongly as ever at a chance event. There's so much going on in my head I don't know about most of the time it scares me.
We were supposed to be meeting tonight in a pub I've not been to for a while. This was very near where I used to live in another part of York about a year ago. I don't see the old group I used to go there with, for reasons which probably won't become clear. I was a little apprehensive about going in in case I saw any of them again.
I got there a bit late, so went looking round for the people I was meeting. Didn't see them. But instead, joy of joys, there, taking up an entire room of the pub were the 10 people I least wanted to see - the group I used to come to the pub with. I kind of froze in the doorway, pretended not to see them (very badly - some of them were, after all, less than 3 feet away and looking straight at me) and turned round and went over to the bar - fortunately for me it's out of sight of where they were sat.
I was pretty shaken - on the point of ordering a Guinness, and I'm teetotal. All the bad memories of the few months I'd shared a house with 4 of them, all the incestuous (not literally) relationships, the psychological manipulation, double meanings in everything anyone said, always feeling like the outsider because I didn't want to try to play by their rules, which just exacerbated the loneliness I was feeling from moving alone to a new town in the circumstances I did.
Luckily one of my actual friends turned up then, and I'm sure I sounded a bit weird asking him if we could leave immediately (since it was snowing pretty heavily at this point). I was still a bit wobbly even when we got to the next pub.
And I am even now. Damn it - this was meant to be cathartic.
It's always seemed odd to me how I have the ability to bury emotions of the past so well I don't even register them for months and years on end, then they'll suddenly come bubbling up to the surface as strongly as ever at a chance event. There's so much going on in my head I don't know about most of the time it scares me.
We were supposed to be meeting tonight in a pub I've not been to for a while. This was very near where I used to live in another part of York about a year ago. I don't see the old group I used to go there with, for reasons which probably won't become clear. I was a little apprehensive about going in in case I saw any of them again.
I got there a bit late, so went looking round for the people I was meeting. Didn't see them. But instead, joy of joys, there, taking up an entire room of the pub were the 10 people I least wanted to see - the group I used to come to the pub with. I kind of froze in the doorway, pretended not to see them (very badly - some of them were, after all, less than 3 feet away and looking straight at me) and turned round and went over to the bar - fortunately for me it's out of sight of where they were sat.
I was pretty shaken - on the point of ordering a Guinness, and I'm teetotal. All the bad memories of the few months I'd shared a house with 4 of them, all the incestuous (not literally) relationships, the psychological manipulation, double meanings in everything anyone said, always feeling like the outsider because I didn't want to try to play by their rules, which just exacerbated the loneliness I was feeling from moving alone to a new town in the circumstances I did.
Luckily one of my actual friends turned up then, and I'm sure I sounded a bit weird asking him if we could leave immediately (since it was snowing pretty heavily at this point). I was still a bit wobbly even when we got to the next pub.
And I am even now. Damn it - this was meant to be cathartic.
posted by Chip : 00:34
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